Hayden Panettiere wrote about addiction in book months before death
Hayden Panettiere wrote about addiction in book months before death
Clare Mulroy, USA TODAYMon, August 17, 2026 at 1:19 PM UTC
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In Hollywood's ongoing reckoning with child stardom, Hayden Panettiere shared the dark sides of a career in the spotlight.
The "Nashville" and "Ice Princess" star has died at 36, her representative confirmed in a statement to USA TODAY on Sunday, Aug. 16. A cause of death has not yet been shared.
Months before her death, the actress opened up in her memoir "This Is Me: A Reckoning" about childhood fame, crossing nefarious actors in her teens and addiction as an adult. In recent interviews about the memoir, Panettiere reflected that she was "groomed" to be a "little soldier" throughout her early career, which included roles in the soap opera "One Life to Live" and the animated "A Bug's Life."
Much of Panettiere's memoir grappled with grief, especially the death of her younger brother, Jansen Panettiere, and the years she lost to addiction. She wrote about relinquishing custody of her then 2-year-old daughter Kaya after struggling with postpartum depression and addiction. And, like many of her famous peers, Panettiere grieved the "chance to have a 'normal' childhood."
Hayden Panettiere's emotional final comments about daughter, Kaya
Hayden Panettiere said she was treated 'like a call girl' as a teen in Hollywood
When Panettiere was just 4, her mother pushed her through the busy Manhattan streets from audition to audition, bookending each call with the phrase "Don't phone it in." Praised for her tears and dramatic expressions, Panettiere reflected that she "began to associate catastrophe with adoration."
"Grown-ups gave me positive attention when – as an actor – I failed, got sick, screamed and cried, killed, grieved, and suffered. Reality merged with my imagination and burrowed into my core memories, where all my shame and trauma lives," Panettiere wrote. "I've often wondered whether – unintentionally – I've brought on my traumas because I'm wired to think they're good for me."
One of these traumas occurred at a party when she was 19. An Oscar-winning actor and director – whom Panettiere never named – exposed himself to her. Then, a trusted friend, whom Panettiere referred to only with the pseudonym "Stella McAmis," forced her into bed with a "famous 30-something British singer-songwriter." Panettiere, in shock, ran out of the room.
“She'd confided in me, pampered me, and treated me like her best friend – then turned around and treated me like a call girl," Panettiere wrote.
Actress Hayden Panettiere dies at 36
'Nashville' character's addiction was like 'looking in a funhouse mirror'
When she was a teen, Panettiere's team gave her "happy pills" – an amphetamine, Panettiere believed – before interviews and red carpets so she could focus. Reflecting on her addiction and recovery in "This is Me," Panettiere wrote that this habit would "forever change" her world.
"At 16, they were the gateway drug that ushered me toward the good of pharmaceuticals and the downfall of addiction," she wrote.
In the throes of postpartum depression after having her daughter, Panettiere wrote she became addicted to alcohol and Klonopin, a central nervous system depressant. At one point, a doctor told her she'd "be dead within five years" if she didn't stop drinking, she wrote.
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Tributes flood in for actress Hayden Panettiere
She didn't have close friends on set filming "Nashville," and no one brought up her addiction, which she said contributed to an "enabling" environment. Instead, the "Nashville" writers mirrored her character's Season 4 arc after Panettiere's life.
"Juliette Barnes had postpartum depression, an alcohol and pill problem, and a divorce on the horizon. She was erratic, an absentee mother, and fought with everyone, including her fans. Every time I read the day's script, it was like I was looking in a funhouse mirror, seeing a distorted reflection of myself. I can't tell you how lost this made me feel," Panettiere wrote.
During this time, Panettiere said the first thing she thought of when she woke up was alcohol: "Not my child, not my job, and not the rest of my life. I needed a drink to function." Then her ex-partner, Ukrainian former professional boxer Wladimir Klitschko, asked for full custody of their daughter. He worried about her being in Panettiere's care.
Panettiere wrote that she agreed to give up custody because the legal battle would "destroy me psychologically at a time when my heart and soul were weaker than they'd ever been."
Her substance abuse is not the only issue the Panettiere family has experienced. Panettiere wrote that her brother Jansen was smoking crack and snorting heroin before he died in 2023 at age 28. At the time, the family revealed the cause of death as "sudden passing was due to cardiomegaly [enlarged heart], coupled with aortic valve complications."
Hayden Panettiere on her abusive ex Brian Hickerson: 'I never wanted to call myself a victim'
Panettiere's brother introduced her to her ex, Brian Hickerson, who was arrested multiple times throughout their off-and-on relationship for assault. Panettiere wrote about the alleged abuse, saying one time he "busts up my face so badly I don't leave the house for weeks." In another instance, she said he screamed at her to "run as far as I can in five seconds because I'll need a head start before he throws the remote control at me." Another time, he smashed her head into a wall.
Panettiere wrote that she feared calling 911 because "then the public would know" about the alleged abuse. Instead, she took refuge in her car, where she kept a book and a bottle of water until Hickerson calmed down.
"I've struggled with how to tell this because I don't want to be a spokesperson for domestic violence," Panettiere wrote. "I never wanted to call myself a victim, but here I am."
In an interview with TMZ about the memoir, Hickerson confirmed the abuse and said that he's "had a couple of opportunities to apologize for it and reflect on it." He also said that he spoke to Panettiere recently about the memoir and was supportive of it.
"Man, I mean, I think it speaks for itself," Hickerson told TMZ. "I got arrested for abusing her, and I wouldn't blame her friends for being pissed off at me."
Clare Mulroy is USA TODAY’s Books Reporter, where she covers buzzy releases, chats with authors and dives into the culture of reading. Find her on Instagram, subscribe to our weekly Books newsletter, or tell her what you’re reading at cmulroy@usatoday.com.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Hayden Panettiere wrote about addiction in book months before death
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