“How do I keep them not angry but still let my family know how much I love them?”

Valerie Bertinelli recalls feeling ‘torn in two’ after abandoning friends and family during toxic relationship

"How do I keep them not angry but still let my family know how much I love them?"

By Shania Russell

Shania Russell

Shania Russell is a news writer at *, *with five years of experience. Her work has previously appeared in SlashFilm and Paste Magazine.

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May 20, 2026 4:25 p.m. ET

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Valerie Bertinelli in North Hollywood on April 30. Credit:

Michael Tullberg/Getty

- Valerie Bertinelli recently teamed up with psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula to unpack some of her past relationships.

- At one point, the Food Network alum recalled abandoning "all [her] friends and family" for a former partner.

- "I felt like I was being torn in two," she said of trying to juggle her loved ones in the midst of a toxic relationship.

Valerie Bertinelli is breaking down the shame she felt after letting a toxic relationship change her life.

The celebrity chef recently joined psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula for an episode of her *Navigating Narcissism *podcast and during their conversation, Bertinelli confessed to cutting ties with her loved ones over a past partner.

"I abandoned all of my friends and my family and I knew as it was happening, I'm like, ‘This is wrong,'" Bertinelli, 66, admitted.

She said that while she tried "desperately to hold on to the connections" with her family and close girlfriends, she also had the sense that her love life would be "miserable" with them sticking around.

"They were gonna be pissed off," she recalled. "So how do I keep them not angry but still let my family know how much I love them?"

Bertinelli in Los Angeles on April 29.

Olivia Wong/Getty

The Food Network alum added, "I felt like I was being torn in two."

Dr. Ramani then weighed in, telling Bertinelli that part of self-abandonment involves "abandoning the spaces where we can replenish."

Bertinelli confirmed, "For me, [that space] is my friends and family. And hanging out with my son and my brother and his wife, my daughter-in-law. That replenishes me."

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Ramani said that while it may have looked like Bertinelli was just abandoning those around her, she was also abandoning herself by distancing herself from the people who provide her comfort. She added that in an "unhealthy" relationship, that is exactly what a toxic partner would want.

"I don't understand why, though," Bertinelli interjected. "Because it makes me a better person, being around the people I love."

Dr. Ramani replied, "In an unhealthy relationship, they don't want you to be a better person. They want you to be a controllable person."

Bertinelli, who did not name the former partner in question, said they often told her that she had control but noted that it never actually felt that way.

"I'm trying to juggle balls here but nobody's happy," she recalled of her other relationships during that period.

Bertinelli was previously married to Van Halen frontman Eddie Van Halen, with whom she shares son Wolfgang. The former couple were married from 1981 to 2007. Eddie died from cancer in October 2020 at age 65.

Bertinelli later wed financial planner Tom Vitale in 2011 and the couple remained together until 2022. Most recently, she dated writer Mike Goodnough for several months before splitting in November 2024.

Eddie Van Halen and Bertinelli in 1994.

Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic

Also during her conversation with Dr. Ramani, Bertinelli reflected on her marriages, sharing that she still feels "a lot of shame" over the way she let herself be treated.

“You didn't allow it because you didn't know what was happening, right?” Dr. Ramani prompted.

"I know I'm emotionally intelligent and I know that if I said, ‘Hey, don't speak to me,' which I've said, ‘Don't speak to me that way.' But then I just allow it anyway," Bertinelli responded. "So at a certain point, it has to be my responsibility to say 'I've had enough. I'm walking away now.'"

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When Dr. Ramani suggested that walking away could prompt "even harder pushback," from "gaslighting" to "manipulation," Bertinelli said, "And that's where my whole responsibility is to not engage again. Which I finally did."

See part of Bertinelli's vulnerable conversation with Dr. Ramani above.

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